So, I’ve been thinking…

Maybe we need to try something new and different, you and I.  Spice up the relationship just a bit, and I think I have just the thing…  I’ve created a Twitter handle, @DadInShorts, that I think suits me better for the shorts commentary.  Usually they were pretty short (pun fully intended), and this way I don’t feel as odd if I want to post one or two lines a few times a day.  I can write them out as they come in, 140 characters at a time.

What’s going to happen with this blog then you ask?  I honestly don’t know, I feel like I have some good ideas for it, but for now it’s probably going to sit here all inactive like.  So if you want to see more shorts commentary, follow me on twitter (again, @DadInShorts) and enjoy.  Thanks for sticking with me so far, and hopefully I have a new idea ready for this blog before too long.

Stay short fans!

What’s in a number?

Hey Shorts fans!

It’s been a while, hasn’t it?!  The shorts are still out in full force, I can promise you that, life has just been very busy.  Between Girl, work, Wife, other family, and friends I’ve found it hard to keep writing.  Same shtuff, different day.  I’ve tried to think of ways I can keep this blog going through the summer when shorts are common on other people than me but still keep it fun and light, and haven’t really come up with anything that good.  But I very much like to write, and it’s my blog so dammit, I’m going to do with it what I please.  There will still be shorts commentary, but it will probably be more in fall/winter/spring (so, about 11 months out of the year in Wisconsin).  There will be other stuff thrown in, and that other stuff may be the main course from now on with shorts commentary becoming the side dish.  Who knows, but if you’re willing to take this journey with me, I would love to bring you along.

Now, to the title of this post…  What’s in a number?  1.  Wife and I have one child.  3.  I have three sisters.  4.  I have four parents.  5.  Wife and I have been married for five years as of early July.  8.  I had eight grandparents at one point in my life.  9.  Girl is nine months old.  14.  Wife’s high school number.  29.  My Age.  62.  My high school number.  84.  How old my grandpa was when he passed away.  120.  Highest score I ever got on a test (teacher gave that much extra credit and I got a 100%, not sure what they were thinking…).  196.  Weight I graduated High School at.  230.  My ideal weight.  271.  Where I am today.

Sure, these are all just numbers, but each has a major significance in my life.  At some point in time, 14 and 62 will fade away and become just numbers, Girl will grow up and her number will change, my age number will change right alongside hers, Wife and I will have more kids, and our marriage number will continue to grow.  But other things, like 84, those don’t go away and they don’t change.  It’s never just a number again, it’s got meaning, it’s got emotion and feeling tied to it for the rest of my life.  Still others, like 271, will change as well, but for people like me, that number probably means the most when it should mean the least.

I’m very self conscious about my body and my weight.  Why?  I don’t know, just always have been.  I’ve never been a small person, and even when I graduated high school and was in the best shape of my life I still had a bit of a belly.  But I was OK with where I was, I was fit and my number was low.  I didn’t even gain the Freshman 15 in college; however the Sophomore 30 kicked my ass.  The the Junior 20 and Senior 10 didn’t help either.  I’ve blamed it on injuries, blamed it on this, blamed it on that, but ultimately it all boils down to one thing: I lack willpower.

There’s always going to be the comments that come with a post like this that boil down to “we love you for who you are!” and that’s fine, but I honestly don’t.  I don’t love myself right now, or at least my image of myself.  I want to change, as much for myself as for Girl and Wife, to make sure that I’m as healthy as I can be and to be the best dad , husband, son, brother, and uncle I can.  To me, that means that I need to get into better physical shape, watch what I eat, and make sure I can actually play with my kids and enjoy going on walks and little adventures as a family.  And that requires willpower.

As I laid in bed tonight pontificating after Cat decided to grace the floor with a hairball, I realized that I didn’t always lack willpower, and that I still have flashes of it today.  I’ve lost weight before, just 2 years ago actually, and it was pretty easy.  But I did it for two reasons: someone was holding a contest and the prize was an Xbox One or PS4, and I wanted to trim down.  I wanted to trim down and be more fit sure, but ultimately I wanted the Xbox just as badly.  235.  The lowest weight I’ve reached since Junior year in college.  I was happy, amazed that I could do it.  The problem?  I didn’t keep it up once the contest was over.

I tried, but the contest ended right before Christmas.  “I’ll take Christmas off and then get back on the horse.  I won’t eat as much as normal, but maybe just relax a bit on the diet thing” turned into a steady year and a half growth of myself and a decline in my willpower.  “No thanks” at a second helping turned into “I’ll do one more” after that second helping.  I felt bad about it sure, but I was also goddamn hungry!  And I was nearly on the line of “fuck it, I really don’t care anymore.”  But I did, and I do, and now I realize how dumb of a mindset that actually was.

Willpower is what’s required to make sure you don’t go off the deep end.  To make sure that you don’t go back for that third helping when you’re already pretty full.  To make sure you’re listening to yourself when you think “I really should eat something different” but you get the 3XL burger with 4 types of cheese, mayo, egg, bacon, hash browns, sausage, brats, and 3 beef patties.  (I didn’t actually do that, but if someone knows a place that has this burger, we need to be closer friends.   …Wait, willpower!  Damn you, willpower…).  It’s what saved me from gaining the Freshman 15, but left me when I got hurt Sophomore year.  I have tons of support from family and friends, but now I need to build up and allow my will to power me through this change that I want and need to happen.

Everything in our lives revolves around numbers.  271. 84. 9. 8. 5. 4. 3.  Those numbers mean the world to me, all for different reasons, and all equally as powerful.  Some of our numbers we cherish, while some we loathe.  Numbers shouldn’t have that power over us, but we let them, and then they consume and control us, for better or worse.  We try not to let them be our defining characteristics, but inevitably some numbers become us or we become them.  Those numbers start to become our identity.  For me, that number is 271.  Not 84, 9, 8, 5, 4, 3, or 1 like it maybe should be as those mean more than a simple body weight, but there it is.  271.  Staring me in the face.  And I can’t help but let it control and consume me.

Numbers come and numbers go.  Numbers change and numbers stay the same.  1. 5. 9. Those will change as time progresses.  14. 62.  Those will fade away and become just a number.  84.  This number will never change, and with it comes a range of emotions.  3. 4. 8.  These numbers will also change, and they will become like 84, tied to emotion and feeling, always with me and shaping me.  271.  271.  271…

I am going to change my number.  I am going to find the willpower.  I am not going to let that number be how I think of and define myself.  I am stronger than this number.  84. 9. 8. 5. 3. 1.  These are also my numbers, these are also what matter.  271 is not my only number.  It is not the sole definition of who I am as a person.  It is not some beast that cannot be slain.  It is a number that will continue to define me, but it will not be my only number.  And that number will change.  I will change it.  For 1.  For 3.  For 4.  For 5.  For 8.  For 84.  For me.

I’m wearing shorts, I’m not deaf

Took Girl to Clinic on Monday.  Got lots of comments about my shorts.  Heard one woman say “I could never do that” while at Radiology desk.  Her companion said I must be crazy.  He shouted, not said.  Hard to be quiet when you’re nearly deaf.  I can hear you.  I’m not crazy, just warm.  Enjoying the heatwave.  Above 0 degrees.  Nearly summer weather.
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Girl had us up early today.  Had to work shortly after.  Didn’t get much sleep.  Sometimes I get “chills” when I am really tired.  Think they’re chills at least.  Not sure, feels like it could be what people call “cold”.  Almost wore pants to avoid “chills”.  Have reputation to uphold.  Decided to take a lukewarm shower; was set to Hoth.  Luke.  Hoth.  Hah, funny Star Wars joke.  Warmed up after shower, pants not even an option.

Was asked at work if I got new shorts for Christmas.  Two new pairs.  Best. Christmas. Ever.  Asked if I even own pants.  Said yes, I have long shorts.  Don’t wear them. But I have them.  Prefer to let my legs breathe.  Long shorts are too confining.

Very tired.  Going to sleep before I do something crazy.  Might turn to the dark side and wear pants.  Can’t have that.  Dark side. More Star Wars.  Need to slip Star Trek references in posts.  Must work on this.

Until next time, stay short fans!

The first daddy-stay-home-with-sick-daughter day

Wife and I talked about how we could care for Girl when she was sick enough that she couldn’t go to Daycare, and we plan for me to take days in the spring, Wife in the fall.  Wife is a teacher, so summer isn’t much of an issue (and hopefully Girl doesn’t get sick in the middle of summer…).  Yesterday was Girl’s first day home sick with her daddy; she had been sick throughout the weekend, very congested in her head and running mild fevers, to a spiked 101.something early Sunday morning.

We called the nurseline, because that fever went down pretty well with Tylenol, and they set up an appointment for Girl yesterday morning, 10:10 to be exact.  They wanted to do a bunch of tests to make sure it wasn’t RSV, Influenza, Pnemonia, etc, because she’s under 3 months old.  Perfectly acceptable to me, and I welcomed it, for the sake of my child.

While travelling from Peds to Radiology to Lab to Peds to Lab to Peds, I caught a lot of people commenting on me.  Especially nurses.  One would think it was for the shorts (which there was quite a few comments about that), but there were a lot of comments about how impressed they were that Dad brought the child to an appointment alone.  Questions about if Mom was going to meet us somewhere, if I had her all alone, if Mom was working, if Mom was sick too, “My husband would never have taken the kids to the doctor by himself”, etc.  Now…  What the hell???

I can’t be the only father to bring in a child to an appointment alone and survive, can I?  Fathers can actually do things for their children that may be a traditional “mother role” type job.  I was just shocked at the number of comments about how impressed they were with me, how good I was with Girl, how much Girl responded to me and my voice, etc.  It’s really not that hard, especially when all she wants to do is sleep, and I would literally do anything for my child (children when we have more) to make sure that they’re OK and healthy.  Makes a guy wonder what other types of fathers are out there…

The only time I got super frustrated was when we were in the lab the first time.  Apparently Girl is one hell of a clotter — her blood actually clotted in the line they were using to take it out of her arm.  So, we had to go back and they pricked her foot; by the time they had what they needed, her foot had clotted and closed, so much so they didn’t put anything on it and couldn’t even see where the poke was they were just getting blood from.  And that one clotted in the tube too.  It was very frustrating to have to go to the lab twice and deal with the screaming and wails of Girl, but I was by no means frustrated with her.  It was frustration over the entire situation, and having to be at the clinic for 3 hours due to wait times, bad labs, etc.

The good news is that Girl is OK and back and daycare today.  They figure it’s juts a cold, and that she’s just fine.  They do all the tests because she’s so small yet, but as previously stated (and ranted about) I’m definitely OK with this.

Until next time, stay short fans!

Rant incoming…

So, I’ve been having some health issues for a few years.  In 2012, I finally caved and went to see a doctor about them.  I don’t like going to the doctor, more on principle than because it costs money.  If I go to the doctor, I’m legitimately concerned or sick, and I know I’m not alone on that.  I don’t read WebMD and assume that I have 18 different types of cancer because I have the sniffles.  I do I read it yes, but I read it to see if I can educate myself on what some of the problems I have could be, and then schedule an appointment to see what he says given the symptoms.

Last year I went to the same doctor to revisit my issues and looking for more investigation.  In my explanations, I noticed several eye rolls and a lot of head shaking and a very measurable amount of doubt in his voice about what I was saying.  It left a sour taste, but things got a little better for me after and so I didn’t think too much of it.  He gave me a diagnosis of NBC (placeholder name), and I went on my way.

Fast forward a few months to today.  I had requested an appointment because I had a terrible few weeks over the holidays, and I’ve also been having some other, unrelated issues that I wanted to discuss.  I was greeted to him not knowing a damn thing about what we had discussed just a few months prior, even though I know it’s in my record because I can see pieces of it published to a portal for patients.  He still said that he thought I had NBC, but that it was a diagnosis of exclusion.  There’s tests that can be done to rule out ABC, CBS, PBS, and so on, but those are expensive, somewhat invasive and painful, and probably not worth it…

Here’s my problem, “probably not worth it” doesn’t really feel like a good enough reason to not do it.  When ABC, CBS, PBS all are very, very serious and potentially life-threatening conditions, I feel like it’s a good thing to rule them out and make sure that it’s actually NBC that I have.  I’m in your office, concerned about my health, not because I’ve read stuff on WebMD or something, but because it’s affecting my ability to take care of myself and/or my family.  I want to make sure that I have the ability to take care of myself in the best way possible, to make sure I’m able to reliably care for my family.  I’m in your office, doing most everything but physically handing you a blank check and asking you to help me out for my sake and my daughter’s, and you decide for me that I don’t want the testing done.

When I asked about my second issue I wanted to address (pain in multiple pairs of joints), I pretty much got rushed out the door after I was told to “use common sense.”  Doc, I’m not trying to run a marathon on my hands or elbows — the pain I have in my hips, elbows, and thumbs are not normal for me.  If you don’t want to look, fine, but point me to someone who is willing.  I’m not an idiot, I know what my body is telling me; that’s part of the reason I’ve gained back 25 of the 40 pounds I lost in 2013.  I haven’t done things that were aggravating these joints, I’ve been using common sense, but it’s been over 18 months since this shit started and hasn’t gotten better.  Help me out here, listen to what I’m saying and asking, and give me something more than just “use common sense.”  I wouldn’t be asking you if I didn’t have a problem with the way I was feeling.  When I say that I’ve literally had to change the way I walk to reduce the pain in my hips, take that as a sign that something’s probably not right with me somewhere.  Please.

I did end up getting a referral to a specialist for my NBC, and I’m hoping that the specialist will be a bit more willing to discuss and work with me.  And I did get another test or two for my join pain, but the exam left something to be desired.

Rant over.  Until next time, stay short fans!

The constant struggle

Yesterday was the first day that I’ve actually “worked out” in a long time.  Sadly, it took me 45 minutes to get in a 20 minute workout due to technical difficulties with our machine (and my knee).  But, I got in 20 minutes on the elliptical we have (also can double as a recumbent bike) and went about my merry business.  I weighed myself yesterday and was exactly the same weight I was the previous weigh-in…  254.4 pounds.  Not terrible, but still discouraging to a degree.

I always want to see progress, and to me in this journey progress is losing weight.  However, the fact that I stayed the same means that I did at least some things right, because I didn’t gain weight.  Until this morning when I stepped on the scale and was a solid 255.0.  I know weight fluctuates daily, but it’s hard to see progress when the numbers aren’t doing what you want them to.

Last time I lost a bunch of weight, I did it in 3 months, and it was with the help of a contest.  I had a shot at an Xbox One, and it was competing against several hundred others.  It was based on an arbitrary judging of who the judge thought improved themselves the most, not just based on weight lost or muscle built.  This time, I’m doing it mostly for me and my family, and I’m finding it hard at times to summon up some will power to resist that last piece of pizza, one more scoop of potatoes, etc.  That’s not to say that myself and my family aren’t proper motivation, but sometimes it’s a little hard to summon up that last little bit of will I need, even if it was for a huge contest.  Something that I need to work on throughout this journey.

Slowly, I’m building that up and getting myself back on track with that, but it’s very hard once you’ve had it and lost it.  I did resist the last piece of pizza yesterday, but it was after I gave in to the second to last piece.  While I’ve given myself a goal of dropping 25+ pounds by May 16th, I have to remember that it’s a marathon, not a sprint.  I have just over 4 months to lose that weight, and it doesn’t all have to happen in the first two weeks.  I’m going to be training myself to eat better and take care of myself for the rest of my life, and that takes time.  Lambeau wasn’t built in a day, Sconnie can’t lose all his weight on Day 6.

Until next time, stay short fans!

“You’re brave” round 2

Woke up to “cold” morning.  Heard talks of school closings.  Laughed and jumped into ice pool to clean up for work.  Very refreshing.  Cat tried to escape into the wilderness.  Made it on to the front porch and stopped dead in her tracks.  She was cold.  Pussy…  Cat.  Hah, funny.

Third person I saw at work asked if someone told me it was cold out.  Told him no, hadn’t heard that.  Actually said to myself “thought it was supposed to be cold” when I left house.  Felt like a brisk fall morning.

Work uneventful.  Left for home, had to drop of Blazer at Mechanic.  Shoveled walkway and sidewalk while waiting for cars to warm up for Girl.  She’s not quite up to Sconnie levels yet.  Neighbor saw my shorts.  Told me I was brave.  Told him I’ve been called many things, brave not usually one of them.  He added “Brave or Stupid.”  “Stupid, not brave” I said.  Still need to work on my snappy comebacks.  Haven’t improved since last year.  Need to make another resolution I guess.

Until next time, stay short fans!